this was originally published on july 8, 2025 as a video on my youtube channel. see video below.
recording my debut single started pretty well.
i was happy with the choice i made to hire marvin, who’s a producer. i sent him my demo and my reference song and the inspiration, and things were going really well. and then i got the first version back from him and on first listen, honestly, i got goosebumps.
i was really happy with it.
there were things that i wanted to change, but he really got the feeling of the song.
before sending him my feedback, i wanted to get other people’s opinion on it. and so i made the mistake of asking a couple people to listen to it: my husband, and my brother-in-law.
and their feedback was all over the place.
my husband listened to it and he was like, “oh, i like this part, but i don’t like this part.” and then my brother-in-law listened to it and he said exactly the opposite.
i didn’t know what to say back to marvin and i was really doubting myself and the vision i had for this song. i was like, “okay, maybe i have to take the advice i got the other day from another producer who was saying: you started this because you had a general idea. you have an artist vision and you have to trust it.”
and actually, that kind of became the theme of this whole project: me doubting myself and then learning to trust myself.
it sounds so simple, but it’s actually the hardest part.
how do you tell the difference between somebody else’s genuine feedback that can help you and just their personal taste? that was a question i asked myself so many times during the process of putting out this single.
and the thing is that i’m a recovering people pleaser. so having other people tell me, “well, this sounds good, but this doesn’t,” and then the other person saying, “this doesn’t sound good, but this does,” i was like, “who am i supposed to please? who am i supposed to listen to?”
and obviously the answer is me because this is my song after all. but it was really difficult.
after a while, we had the instrumental pretty much finalized and it was my turn to record vocals.
and that’s where the fear and the self-doubt really kicked in. if i recorded the vocals, then the song would be done and i’d have to release it.
it was the last step before i really had to put myself out there, and i procrastinated like crazy.
for about a week, i found every excuse not to record. first, there was construction on my street, so i was like, “oh, no. this is way too noisy to record. i can’t do this. let’s wait until the construction’s over.”
and then i was like, “oh, i need to eat better, so i’m going to meal prep for the rest of the week.” so, i spent some time stocking my fridge with cut-up vegetables. i couldn’t possibly record before the fridge was totally stocked, you know? i mean, obviously.
then i had to figure out the technical side of things
and since i’m not a sound engineer, i was really insecure about recording these vocals in a room that’s not treated. i could have gone to a studio, but it would have cost way too much. and i did like the fact that i was recording at home: it was on my timeline. i could take my time.
too much time, maybe.
all this insecurity gave me another way to procrastinate: i figured i had to do some tests. obviously.
so i did. some with the mic facing down, some the mic facing up. some recorded inside a DIY booth that i fashioned with some clothes racks and a mattress.
i sent the test back to marvin and he said that he preferred the sound with the vocal booth, but that the most important thing was for me to feel comfortable when i was singing. i should pick the one where i would feel most free to perform the vocals well.
finally i was ready. i had my setup. i was ready to record.
except i still wasn’t ready.
because of changes made by marvin during the production of the instrumental, i had to rework the lyrics and rewrite one of the verses into a bridge. and of course, i’d put it off to the last minute.
again, i was feeling really insecure and i didn’t really understand why because generally it’s pretty easy for me to write lyrics. mostly they just flow out of me.
and when they don’t, it’s okay. i just set it off to the side and come back to it later. if it takes a couple days, a couple months, it’s fine. i just let it take the time that it takes.
but that day, i had planned to record. i needed those lyric changes right away and i am not so good under pressure. at least my creativity is not good under pressure.
so much stress.
until i realized that actually, there was no real deadline! if this recording thing took three weeks, it was going to take three weeks. breathe.
so, after a pretty long rewriting session, i ended up finally recording the vocals and i sent them off and after a while, i got the final full mix back.
and then something weird happened.
you know how you’re listening to a song on repeat for a while and it becomes associated with the emotion that you were feeling at that time?
well, that happened with this song.
i’d heard my debut single so many times at this point that it had become associated with the self-doubt and the procrastination and the fear of putting myself out there and making mistakes.
so when i heard the final full mix, i just felt scared.
so scared.
it took a couple days before i managed to remember the feeling that i had the first time i listened to it: the goosebumps.
and then finally we had it. we had a song.
of course, i had lots of other reasons to procrastinate:
i had to figure out how to put it on streaming services.
i had to figure out how to market a new metal song as a chubby middle-aged woman.
i had to figure out social media.
but those are stories for another day. right now, i’m just going to bask in the fact that i did this.
i managed to put a song out in the world. i can be proud of myself.