30 years ago: I get pregnant for the first time and i miscarry. The doctor tells me ‘it’s nothing, just get back on the horse. there will be others, you’ll see’. I think I must be crazy for feeling bad about this and i endeavor to feel nothing. I’m really good at feeling nothing.
20 years ago: I’m at a party, chatting drunkenly with a friend. She tells me that she’s been trying to get pregnant for years and has had miscarriage upon miscarriage. 4 of them, in fact. She hasn’t told anybody because she is ashamed of feeling sad over what is supposed to be ‘not a big deal’.
2 years ago: Menopause starts. My brain wakes up and starts screaming at me, shocked to learn that there won’t be any ‘others’. I realize that i’ve been unconsciously waiting for that lost baby for almost 30 years.
This song is about all of that.
Lyrics
Make a pot of coffee
Sit in the room where they should be
Everything is so clean
On the dresser, he’s waiting
On the dresser, he’s waiting
Winnie smiles looking at me
Everything was ready
Everything was ready
Winnie smiles looking at me
It was too early
It was too early
Put a lid on the box
How can anything see sun again
Forgetting knocks
Round and white in the palm of my hand
Round and white in the palm of my hand
Winnie smiles looking at me
Everything was ready
Everything was ready
Winnie smiles looking at me
It was too early
It was too early
Close the door on what could have been
Get back to your day
Focus on the one that lives
There’ll be others, they say
Close the door on what could have been
Get back to your day
Focus on the one that lives
There’ll be others, they say
Close the door on what could have been
Get back to your day
Focus on the one that lives
There’ll be others, they say
Been too many
There’s been too many
There’s been too many
There’s been too many
Been too many
There’s been too many
Too many, too many, too many
Winnie smiles looking at me
Everything was ready
Everything was ready
Winnie smiles looking at me
It was too early
It was too early
Winnie smiles looking at me
There’s been too many
There’s been too many
Been too many
There’s been too many
Too many, too many, too many